Girlie Boys/Script
walks through the mall, snapping his fingers. As he goes past, everybody turns to stare at him, and when he passes Yummy Mummy and Stanley, Yummy Mummy gasps and covers Stanley's eyes. Stanley laughs, as do most of the people he passes. Purple Dress Girl: giggling "Hi, Jonesy." Jonesy: "Who's your daddy." Fine Girl: "Hi, Jonesy." Jonesy: "Looking good, sweet cheeks!" Blonde Wave Girl: "Hey, Jonesy." soon as Jonesy passes, she collapses in a fit of laughter. Jonesy walks up to his friends, who are seated around their usual table. Caitlin: startled "Jonesy?" Jonesy: "Hey guys, what's up?" points to his forehead. "Now you know I hate to brag, but it has to be said: I am a total stud!" get to see his face. Jonesy has a unibrow. "The chicks can't keep their eyes off me today!" and Nikki start to giggle. "I am on fi-yah!" Caitlin: gasping "Ah!" Jude: up "Whoa." Jonesy: "What?" new hairs sprout, knitting his eyebrows together more firmly. Caitlin gags. "What?" Jen: "Um, can you excuse us for a minute?" girls get up and quickly move about ten yards away. Jen: whispering "Jonesy has a unibrow!" Caitlin: whispering "I know!" Nikki: hushed "It's so bad!" Jen: "We have to tell him. We can't just let him walk around like that?" Nikki: laughing "Why not?" Caitlin: "Ugh, it's so hairy!" who can hear them, lifts one end of his eyebrow. Jen: "That's it, I'm telling him." girls come up to Jonesy. Jen is at their fore. Jen: "Um, Jonesy? Have you looked in a mirror lately? I mean, really, looked?" Jonesy: "Nope. Don't need to. I know what I look like, and it's spelled H-O-T–" Jen: "You've got a unibrow." Jonesy: "A what?" Nikki: "A u-ni-brow." Jen: "The merging of two separate eyebrows into one gigantic entity." Jonesy: "No I don't." Nikki: "Yes, you do." Caitlin: "It's like a big huge caterpillar is sitting on your face!" how it sounded "Sorry." turns around to find Jude trying to touch his eyebrow. Jonesy: "Hey! Get off me, dude!" Wyatt: snickering "Sorry, bro." Jonesy: worried "How did I get this? I never had it before!" Caitlin: "These things can sneak up on you." Jonesy: "I don't wanna have just one eyebrow! Aawww..." Caitlin: "Don't worry. They can get rid of it for you down at the spa." Jonesy: "No way! Spas are for–" Glutes Girl: by "Hi Jonesy. Nice eyebrow!" and her friend laugh. Jonesy: the edge of tears "I'll go, I'll go." leads Jonesy away from the table. As soon as he's out of earshot, Nikki and Jen resume laughing. ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''Girlie Boys' ---- '''Jonesy:' "BBBBWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" the spa, Jonesy has just had his eyebrow plucked and separated back into two. Caitlin: "I know it stings, but it'll just last a minute." Jonesy: "That hurt!" notices that the spa is filled with girls. "But they're hot. Hey, beautiful." gets up and follows one of the girls. ---- skates through the mall, pulling off many tricks along the way, and grabbing both a taco and some cinnamon bites along the way. Jude: the bites "Thanks, sample lady!" continues on his way and ends up at the fountain, where some pre-teens look at him, awed. Pre-teen: impressed "Fat move, man, do it again." Jude: "Thanks, dudes, but I gotta start training for the speed-skating event." Pre-teen: "You're in the Curb Jam? Sweet. Good luck, man." Jude: "Thanks, bro! Later!" skates away. ---- and Caitlin are walking through the mall. Caitlin: "The swelling will go down soon. Sorry. I know waxing isn't fun." Jonesy: "Are you kidding? The spa was awesome! A little painful, sure, but the view was worth it." Jude: past "Nice eyebrows–" the other way "Dude." Jonesy: "Thanks, man." Jude: back "You gotta get a girl. Later, dudes." slams into a bench. "Ow!" skateboard rolls past Nikki and Wyatt, who are sitting by the Big Squeeze. Nikki: "So, how's the training coming?" Jude: in foliage "Awesome! And check it out. I got a new sticker for the deck. I like to make Sally here feel appreciated before a big event." Nikki: "Okay then." Wyatt: "Wait! You're training for a speed slalom event. Won't putting a sticker on add drag?" Jude: "Chill. It's just a sticker, bro." Wyatt: "Anything you add to your board can slow you down. Competitive swimmers shave their entire bodies to reduce resistance! It's the law of physics." Nikki: snickering "Geek." Jude: at his crotch "Whoa. They shave it all? That's pretty extreme." Wyatt: "You want to win, right?" Jude: "Definitely. First prize is an all-expense paid trip to the regional finals in Vancouver! Woo-hoo-hoo!" teenager, this one much bulkier and with brown hair and a tribal tattoo, skates up. Mike Dent: raspy "Hey, Lizowski. I hear you think you're the fastest in the mall. Well I'm here to tell you you're not." Nikki: inflamed "Maybe you should put your skateboard where your mouth is." Jude: "Yeah, I'd like to see that." Mike Dent: raspy "You got it, bra." Jude: "Uh, I think you meant to say bro. Bra is for chicks." Mike Dent: raspy "No, I meant to say bra, bra." Jude: "That's it, you and I! One race! This Friday, after closing!" Mike Dent: raspy "You're on, Lizzy. And we'll see who pounds who into the pavement harder." Wyatt: "That didn't even make sense." Mike Dent: "See you later, Judy. Don't forget to bring your cheerleaders." Dent steals Wyatt's fries, empties them into his mouth, and skates away. Jude: "That dude just seriously harshed on my mellow." Jonesy: up with Caitlin "What dude?" Wyatt: "Yeah. Who is he, anyway?" Nikki: "Wyatt, that's Mike Dent! Don't you remember?" Wyatt: sad "The guy who used to take my cookies in kindergarten class?" mind fades back into the depths of a memory. Young Wyatt: sad "Teacher, Mike Dent took my cookies." Wyatt: in reality, normally "Oh, that Mike Dent. In that case–" angry "–kick his butt!" Jonesy: "Dude. Who cares? I have great news. Now I don't know how we missed this, but I have found the greatest place in the whole mall to pick up chicks. The spa! The place is crawling with chicks! And the best part is they're all practically naked." Wyatt: "Seriously? You saw them?" Jonesy: "With my own two eyes." girl walks by the table. Caitlin: "Hi Paige!" Vendor Girl: "Hi!" Jonesy: the girl is out of earshot "She was at the spa, only not in that uniform, if you know what I'm saying." at girls going by "Saw her at the spa, spa, spa, and yep–" gasps as a fat nerdy girl goes by. The next one is more attractive. "–spa." Jude: "Does going to the spa hurt?" Jonesy: "Yes, but it's worth it! And check it out. No unibrow." Jude: impressed "Smooth." Nikki: her eyes "Unbelievable." Caitlin: "Nikki! I almost forgot. You have to come with me and give me your opinion on something." Nikki: "Why do I suspect I'm going to regret this?" Caitlin: "C'mon!" pulls Nikki away. ---- leads Nikki up to Huntington's. Caitlin: "There they are. The new Citizens of Profanity jeans." looks at the price tag. "Ooh...I'll put them on layaway until I've saved up enough!" Nikki: "Well, if you're serious, I hear Chocoholics Anonymous is hiring." Caitlin: "That's a great idea! You're the best, Nikki!" pulls Nikki into a hug. Nikki: uncomfortable "You can thank me later." a few seconds "Please? Thank me later?" ---- guys are in the spa. Spa Lady #1: "Are you sure you want me to wax your arm hair?" Jude: "If it'll make me go faster, definitely. Hook me up, waxing lady!" Wyatt: "AAAAHHH!" has just gotten his arm waxed. "I better find a girl here, Jonesy!" Jonesy: his back waxed "AAAAAAHHH!" panting "Don't worry, man. Just look around." guys look around at all the girls clad only in towels and bathrobes. Jude: "AAAAAHHH-HA-HA-HAAAHH!" Spa Lady #1: "Sorry!" Jude: his arm "Nice! That's really smooth!" Spa Lady #1: "If you want smooth skin, you should try our exfoliating sea-wash body scrub. It feels amazing." Jonesy: surprised "You mean there's stuff you can do at the spa that doesn't hurt?" ---- next time we see them, the guys are being pampered by the spa staff. Jonesy: in ecstacy "Aaaahhh...oh, yeah." Wyatt: relaxing "Aaaaahhh..." Jude: pampered "Aaaaahhh..." ---- next thing they do is get a massage. Jonesy: "If this is the Swedish massage, I can't wait for a Brazilian." Wyatt: contented "I know, bro. I know." ---- three finish up by getting pedicures. Jude: "Wow! Who knew a dude's feet could look like this?!?" Jonesy: "This is where it's at." Wyatt: a soda "Got that right. I will never be high-strung again." ---- girls, meanwhile, are gathered by the Big Squeeze. Caitlin: "So, did I tell you? Chocoholics Anonymous hired me on the spot! I start today!" Jen: "Are you sure that's a good idea? You know how much you love chocolate." Caitlin: "I know, right? It's so perfect." Jen: "Just–don't eat too much of–" stops. The guys have arrived straight from the pages of a high-fashion magazine. Their teeth are so bright they blind, their skin is so smooth it's reflective, and their hair is filled with as much gel as possible. Jonesy: "Hey." guys walk forward with an immense amount of swagger in their steps. They KNOW they look good. Jen, Caitlin, and Nikki: awed "Wow..." guys pose on their chairs, no longer content to merely sit. Jen: "What happened to you guys?" Jude: relaxing "The spa." Caitlin: "You look amazing!" Jonesy: "Thank you. It's all part of our new lifestyle regime." Nikki: "You know, it really is good seeing you guys like this." Wyatt: "Really?" Nikki: "Sure. I mean, why should girls be expected to bear the brunt of society's pressure to look good all the time?" Jonesy: Wyatt "Do you know what she's talking about?" Nikki: "I'm saying that maybe now you'll appreciate how much trouble girls go through–" conversation stops as Mike Dent skates by with a drag chute strapped to his back. Jonesy: "What was that?" Jude: flatly "That was Mike. And there goes my mellow." Caitlin: "What was he dragging behind him?" Jude: "A parachute." Nikki: "What, in case he falls off his board?" snorts. Jen: "Parachutes are used for training. They provide resistance so you can work on your speed and endurance." Jude: "Exactamundo. I wish I had one." Caitlin: an idea "Hey! I can be your parachute! I know I wouldn't be a real parachute, but you could tow me around. I'll be your resistance!" Jude: "Really?" Mike Dent: by "Watch my wheels, Lizowski!" ---- leads Pokey the Panda away in handcuffs. Inside the Penalty Box, Caitlin is being fitted with rollerblades and a helmet by Jen. Jen: "There. You're all set." Jude: "Are you sure about this?" Caitlin: "Absolutely. Hit it!" strains but manages to get rolling. Caitlin: pulled "This is fun!" ---- is checking out some tennis equipment for Kyle Donaldson. Jen: "That'll be sixty-eight dollars–" Caitlin: "WHAAAAAA!!!" has really managed to get up some speed. Jen: "–and thirty-seven–" and Caitlin crash. "–cents." ---- is inside the spa, looking bedraggled. Caitlin: "Hi, I'd like a bottle of the Smashface hair smoother–" Jonesy: up from behind the counter "H-hey!" Caitlin: "What are you doing here?" Jonesy: "I was spending so much time here, and looking so good doing it, they hired me. Which means! Guess who gets thirty percent off all products and services?" Caitlin: "No way! That's amazing!" Jonesy: "I know! It's a sweet deal!" hands Caitlin her hair product. Caitlin: paying "Thanks Jonesy. I've gotta run to my new job. Later!" Jonesy: "Bye." exits the spa and finds that Jude and Wyatt are about to go in. Jude: "Hey. Up for some training tonight, Caitlin?" Caitlin: "Definitely!" Wyatt: whispering "Uh, you might wanna fix your hair." walks away, insulted. Mike Dent skates up to Jude and Wyatt. Mike Dent: raspy "Ah, look. It's Judykins and Wyatt, going to get their hair done at the spa. Told you you were a bra, bra." skates away. Jude: "Okay, I'm usually a pretty chilled out guy, but that dude is starting to make me not chilled out." Jonesy: them "No worries. Me and my employee discount have just what you need." ---- Chocoholics Anonymous, Caitlin and her coworker are scarfing down chocolate. Caitlin: "I can't believe we get to eat as much as we want." Chocoholics Anonymous Girl: "Seriously, this is the best job I've ever had." purple dress girl and her friend walk in. Caitlin: "Hi. Can I help you?" Blonde Girl: "One low-fat frozen yogurt, please." Purple Dress Girl: "Nothing for me. I ate way too much chocolate when I worked here, and I gained twenty-five pounds in like three months." Caitlin: "Wow. Okay." rings up the order, and gets it from her coworker. "Thanks." her customer "There you go." two leave. Caitlin and her coworker break into new bars of chocolate. "Can you imagine eating enough chocolate to gain twenty-five pounds?" Chocoholics Anonymous Girl: "I know, right?" two continue eating. A button pops off the front of Caitlin's skirt, which is starting to expand... ---- guys are having another relaxing spa visit. Girl at Spa: "It's so sad how some people like just let themselves go." Blonde Girl: "Mmm-hmm." Girl at Spa: "I mean, if you don't take pride in the way you look, how's anyone supposed to take you seriously?" Jonesy: his friends "That's just what I was thinking! Okay, you daisies, time to take this up a notch. Jude, ready for the T-1000 High-Action Tanning Booth?" Jude: "Right on." Jonesy: "See you on the other side, dudes." whips off his towel and steps inside. ---- girls are sitting around the table. Caitlin has a bunch of chocolate in front of her. The newly tanned guys walk up. Jonesy: "Ladies. Hello." Nikki: "AAAH!" leaps away from them. "Oh no. You didn't." Jen: "What happened to you guys?" Wyatt: "We've been at the spa." Nikki: "Yeah. We can see that." Jen: "Your spray-on tans are orange, your teeth are so bleached they're practically blue, and Jude! What's with the waxing? You look like you're made of plastic!" Jude: "It's a need for speed. I go way faster on my board." Caitlin: full "It's true. He does go faster." Jonesy: "And the girls love it." Purple Dress Girl: by with two friends "Thanks for last night, guys." Wyatt: "The question isn't if we should go back, it's how! The spa's expensive." Jonesy: "I don't know how I'm gonna keep up with my highlights. You have to maintain them or you get roots. Did you know about roots?" Caitlin: "Roots suck." Wyatt: "Well at least your roots won't be curly! It's going to totally ruin my new look!" Jonesy: "I need to look good, or I'll get fired from the spa. And that'll mean no cash flow and no employee discounts." Jude: "But I need to keep smooth, I can't have my arm hair slowing me down!" Caitlin: "Don't worry, hairs only regrow at a rate of a quarter inch per month." Jonesy: "Wow, girls really do spend a lot of time thinking about this stuff." Jude: "Ready for some more training?" Caitlin: "Okay!" puts on her helmet and rollerblades. "Wait." readjusts her skirt around her ballooning belly. Caitlin: "Okay." two roll off. Nikki: "Is it me, or is Caitlin looking a little larger than usual?" Jonesy: "Um, she's looking a lot larger." Jen: "Oh no! I knew this would happen! You can eat all the free chocolate you want at Chocoholics! I tried to tell her, but does anyone ever listen to me?" Jonesy: distracted "Sorry, did you just say something?" Jen: "Urgh!" ---- pants as he pushes himself forward while he drags Caitlin behind him. When he finishes the run, he checks his time on a stopwatch and is astonished. Jude: "This can't be happening! I'm going even slower, dude!" Caitlin: chocolate "Maybe your training has plateaued." Dent flies by, parachute strapped to his back. Mike Dent: raspy "Nice haircut, Loseowski!" Jude: "That's it! I'm gonna pop that zit!" gives chase on his board. Caitlin: "Go get him, Jude! Whoop!" is taken along on the ride. "Whee!" Penalty Box Customer: run into "Ow." Caitlin: "Oops." brushes past Darth and a friend of his. Darth: out his lightsaber "This Jedi Knight's not going down–" slams into them, knocking them down without a fight. Caitlin: "Sorry!" eats more chocolate. Mike Dent: away from Jude "See you later, suckers!" winded, slows to a stop. Caitlin: "Jerk!" Jude: Caitlin "I don't get it. I was really tearing it up last week." looks up at his hair. "That's it! It's the hair! Gotta get rid of the hair! Later!" runs off to get this done. Caitlin: "Okay. Bye!" ---- work, Caitlin has eaten even more chocolate. Coworker: "Time to close up!" Caitlin: "Already?" a chocolate bar "I'll just take one for the road." around the mall, lights shut off and stores close up. Eventually, it is late at night and nobody is around, save three familiar male figures by the Galleria Mall spa. Jonesy: whispering "C'mon guys. Keep it quiet." starts to unlock the spa doors. Jude: "Thanks for sneaking us in, bro. I've gotta get rid of this hair. It's killing my chances." Jonesy: the door "No worries, dude. I think we could all use a bit of a touch-up." Wyatt: "Definitely. How hard could it be?" ---- sits under a hair dryer. Jonesy is behind him, an electric razor in his hand. Jonesy: "You sure about this, bro?" Jude: "You bet. Who needs hair anyway?" Jonesy: "O-kay then." starts shaving Jude's head. ---- steps out of the tanning booth. Jonesy: "C'mon!" comes over and applies a sheet of wax to his back. Wyatt: "I can't believe I'm doing this." Jonesy: "Make sure you get the backs of my knees." drops his towel, and Wyatt gasps. Jonesy turns around, giving out a shot of his junk mail. Jonesy: "What?" Wyatt: away "AAAAHHH!" Jonesy: after him "Didn't you ever take gym class?" ---- takes a mop, dunks it in some white goop, and smears it on Jude. Wyatt: "What is that stuff?" Jude: "I have no idea. But the seaweed lady covers me in it before my wrap." finishes applying it. "Okay, I'm good to go." ---- timer rings, and a seaweed-covered Jude sits up. Jude: "C'mon, get this seaweed off me." then Wyatt, grab at it and tug to no avail. Jonesy: "It's not coming off!" let go of the seaweed, and it snaps at Jude's skin. Jude: "Ow!" Wyatt: at a bottle "Um, does the lady always cover you in acrylic nail glue before your seaweed wrap?" Jude: "AAAAAHHHH!" stands up and hops away. Jonesy: "Jude!" Wyatt: "Come back, Jude!" hops all the way to the fountain, which he falls into. His friends rush in after him and pluck him out of the water. On the way, Wyatt drops Jude's head into the water again. Jude: "AAAHHH!" voice draws their attention. Ron: "I almost don't want to know what is going on here." has arrived to restore order to the mall. The guys walk out of the fountain and are allowed to go except for Jonesy, whom Ron stops. Ron peels a strip of wax from Jonesy's forehead. Jonesy: "AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" ---- is walking through the mall in a pink sweatshirt with a pair of red warm-up pants. She giggles. Caitlin: "Time to buy my jeans!" ---- is trying on her jeans in a changing room. Caitlin: "Excuse me? I don't think these are the jeans I put on layaway. They don't fit." Saleslady: "I'm afraid they are, dear, and they're our last pair. If you don't want them, I'm going to have to put them back on the rack." struggles once again to button the jeans. Suddenly, a horrid idea hits her, and she reaches in her bag. She pulls out a chocolate bar and remembers the chocolate binge she's been going on. Past Caitlin: chocolate "Mmm, this is good!" Caitlin: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!" ---- pack of tissues sits on the table. Caitlin is using them to wipe her eyes. Caitlin: "I can't believe no one told me I was getting F–A–T!" weeps. Nikki: "You're not fat!" Jen: "And I did try to tell you, but you wouldn't listen, remember? You were eating six pounds of chocolate a day." cries again, and Nikki lays a comforting hand on her friend's shoulder. At this moment, a bald-headed Jude, whose skin is green, realizes the implications of Caitlin's weight gain. Jude: "Did you just say you got fatter? That is awesome! If you got fat, that means I'm not slow on my board, which means–" Wyatt: "You're gonna kick his butt." Caitlin: "Oh, yay! That's great, Jude!" Jude: "I guess that means we didn't need to sneak into the spa to shave my head." Jonesy: "Oh, now you tell me! I got fired, dude! From the best job I ever had! There were chicks, man! Chicks!" ---- Caitlin, and Nikki are looking through the sales racks at Huntington's. Caitlin: unhappy "That's it. They're gone. They don't have the sparkly jeans in my new size." Nikki: "Okay, pity party's over. Jude's contest starts in ten minutes." Caitlin: gasping "Guys, look!" rushes over to a new rack. "These are even cuter than the last pair!" a saleslady "Can I put these on layaway, please?" woman takes the jeans for her. Jen: "But...that's your old size. They won't fit." Caitlin: "Oh yes they will! C'mon. We're late for Jude." rushes off. ---- Dent and Jude Lizowski are at the starting line of a race down a hall cleared of people. Caitlin: "Okay guys, remember, this is a one-on-one obstacle speed race. I want a nice clean run, you got that?" Mike Dent: raspy "You're gonna lose, you know that, right?" Wyatt: "KICK HIS BUTT, JUDE!!!" looks at Wyatt, surprised at this out-of-character display of anger and fury. Wyatt: "What? He stole my cookies." Caitlin: "On your mark...get set..." an air horn "Go!" skaters take off. Mike Dent takes an early lead, but Jude catches up and passes and has the lead at the halfway mark. Mike Dent: raspy "Lizowski!" Jonesy: "Go Jude!" Wyatt: "Oh yeah, baby!" Jen: "Go Jude, you can do it!" Nikki: "Move it!" Dent strains and pulls even with his rival only to be greeted with a salute and more speed poured on. He grabs at Jude and knocks him over. However, he ends up falling off his board as well, and they fall towards the finish. Jen: "Go Jude!" Wyatt: "C'mon!" Dent slides to a halt short of the finish line, while Jude's waxed skin allows him to slide through it. His friends cheer and carry him away on their shoulders. Mike Dent: defeated "Every loser has his day. Lizowski!" Jude: "And it looks like today is all yours, bra!" skateboard hits him in the rear. Mike Dent: "Oogh!" ---- takes a seat at the table amongst her friends. Jen: "Caitlin! You look awesome!" Caitlin: "Thanks! The time I put in at the fitness center really paid off! I'm back to my old size! And I just bought my new sparkly jeans." Jude "So?" Jude: a trophy on the table "I placed second in the Curb Jam!" Jonesy: "Way to go." Nikki: "All right." Jude: "Yeah. It almost makes up for the fact that I'm green. And bald." Jonesy: "You know, I'm kinda glad to be getting back to normal. Looking good was way too much work. All that time and money? Why do girls bother?" Nikki: "Because of guys like you?" Jonesy: "Good point." Purple Dress Girl and her friends "Looking good, ladies!" normally "Jen, Caitlin, aren't you two a little overdue at the spa?" and Caitlin look at Jonesy angrily. Nikki: "I'll handle this one." slaps Jonesy. Category:Season 2